07 April 2013

No Guns in Canada

I have a number of readers from the United States of America, and I’ve been thinking that perhaps they might be thinking that I’ve been rather harsh on their country. Don’t get me wrong, I think the U.S.A. is a pretty good country. I like Canada because, well, I’m Canadian. That doesn’t mean I’m any less harsh on Canadian governments. I mean, what’s not to like about a government that destroys all evidence of the most advanced fighter jet ever developed so all the smart people that developed it leave Canada and go work for NASA, and then buys some soon to be discontinued nuclear-tipped anti-aircraft missiles from the U.S.A. Destroy all evidence of something that could make us some money? Send all the smart people out of the country? Buy some other country's weapon that can blow up enemy aircraft with a nuclear explosion? Let’s face it, you’ve got much better used car salesmen running your country (no offence to used car salesmen).

The big question that citizens from the U.S.A. don’t understand is how we can be so happy without any guns? We used to have guns, but the Canadian government ran a program called “Back Bacon & Beer for Guns” and now that we gave them all our guns, they won’t let us buy any new ones. The government probably sold all our guns to the U.S.A. No, the Canadian government would never do anything like that. They probably just gave all our guns to the U.S.A. in exchange for a discount on something. Of course, if we just crossed the border and didn’t say we’re from Canada, we could have gotten it for even cheaper.

What’s the Catholic situation in Canada? We’ve got lots of Catholics. We’ve even had a number of Catholics leading the country. Our present Prime Minister, who is a Protestant, even put the Eucharist in his pocket once. Abortions were made much easier to get in Canada due mostly to a Catholic who soon became Prime Minister. At the same time he helped legalize sodomy and contraception. Almost twenty years later, all restrictions on abortion were removed while another Catholic was Prime Minister and the Leader of the Official Opposition was also Catholic. But if that weren’t enough, we even awarded the second highest honour for merit to the abortionist that brought the whole thing to court. He was recognized "for his commitment to increased health care options for women, his determined efforts to influence Canadian public policy and his leadership in humanist and civil liberties organizations."

One of the best things about our health care system is that all abortions are paid for by tax payers. However, I am biting the hand the feeds me right now. I am now receiving great care for my cancer. The Canadian health care system has been rather important to me, which is one of the reasons I’m very glad I’m on this side of the border. But they can take it all away if they want because I won’t stop pointing out the immorality of forcing Canadians (that aren’t too sick to have enough money to actually pay taxes) to pay for the killing of the most innocent and vulnerable.

What about marriage? Remember that Catholic that helped legalized sodomy and contraception? One of his most famous quotations is, “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.”

You can interpret that different ways, and I like to put a very interesting interpretation on some things, but we changed the definition of marriage almost eight years ago. Know what happens to someone, such as a bishop in Calgary, who publicly says something about Catholic doctrines on the issue? Anybody can file a complaint against human rights for free in Canada, and the defendant is left saying, “…presumption of guilt until you can prove your innocence; the open ended time lines for dealing with a complaint; and unjust incurring of financial expenditures for the defendant in the simple event of a complaint being lodged.” (Both complaints were eventually dropped.)

So in some respects, we’re ahead of you in immoral laws. This is all because we remained loyal to a Crown that you rebelled against. A Crown, mind you, that has quite a history of killing Catholics, including my patron saint, St. Thomas More. (This is the best thing about a true monarchy. If the government chops your head off, it's not your fault because you weren't able to vote him in or out of power.) But we’re happy, even though a few of us are in prison because of the abortion thing, because we’ve got back bacon and beer, and that’s all that really matters. I even gave my fiancĂ©e a picture of Queen Victoria (she strongly supported removing Catholic rituals from the Anglican liturgy) this last Christmas because she such a big fan of our monarchy. (This isn’t a joke. She loved it.)

In case you're wondering, the Canadian Catholic Church is not in schism with the papacy, even though we were using an unapproved lectionary for close to two decades.